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SOAP BOX

Welcome to the 5&A Dime soap box. 

5 Favorites (Worst Halloween Candy Edition)

Jason Huggins

          Ok yeah, the title says 5 Favorites but because Halloween is right around the corner we thought it might be fun to switch it up a bit and put together a list of what we thought to be the “worst Halloween candies ever made”. As a kid there were always a handful of crappy candies that you either gave to your one friend that would eat anything, or you tossed them straight into the trash for fear that rubbing shoulders with the good candy would somehow contaminate the batch you worked so hard to get. 

          The 5D group came together to collaborate on this list. We deliberated for some time and to be honest the list started to get pretty long. The final five to make this list were the ones we could actually all agree upon. We apologize in advance if any of these candies on our list happen to be in your favorites list, but let’s be honest, if you do like any of these then we have to question our friendship with you. Actually, like whatever you want to like we’re not going to judge but seriously…eww gross! 

Welcome to the fourth edition of “5 Not So Favorites”. 


Necco Wafers

          As a kid I remember my Dad really liked Necco Wafers. He would always pick up a couple packs from the grocery or liquor store. Somehow he worked his “dad jedi mind tricks” into persuading me to believe I liked them too. I would open the pack and pick around all the other random colors till I got to the brown ones. I’m guessing the brown ones were chocolate? They tasted the best of the bunch but I couldn’t really tell you what the other flavors actually were. I’m not sure if it was the dull boring color or the fact that they tasted and looked like sidewalk chalk, but I hated these! This was a candy that always made its way to our candy bags every Halloween and at the end of the night I would make a small pile of candy I knew only my dad would eat. Of course the Necco Wafers always made it to his pile. I mean, it’s not my Dad's fault for liking boring candy. My theory is that because of his age he probably grew in a time when flavor wasn’t invented yet. 


Candy Corn

 

         This monstrosity of a candy should actually have its own haunted maze. You would walk in and immediately be attacked by all the Candy Corns that were rejected every year by kids smart enough to know not to eat these god awful things. I mean what is a candy corn anyways? I heard it’s supposed to look like the kernel of a piece of corn. That actually makes sense, but do you think it tastes like corn? I’m not sure what it tastes like cause I only had to eat it one time to know never to do it again.

         Also, who the heck invented this dang thing and what company actually owns the patent? I say no one owns it cause everyone is too embarrassed to admit they were the ones that created it. This candy falls into the same category as Peeps. Like, I don’t think I have a single friend that eats Peeps yet these damn things manage to fill the retail shelves every year around Easter. The Candy Corn is to Halloween what the Peep is to Easter. Someone is eating these things, yeah? Maybe it’s deeper than we can even imagine. Maybe, this is an X-Files case for Mulder and Scully?
 


Good & Plenty

 

         Ok, this is a no brainer cause black licorice is freakin’ disgusting but it also sucks for other reasons. First, the packaging is pretty dang cool looking and the bright pink and white colors of the candy are begging to be eaten. It’s like the equivalent of getting into that van cause the old guy is offering candy if you do. The candy isn’t worth it little kid! Now imagine if that same old guy gave you a box of Good & Plenty once you got in the van. You’re doubly screwed! 


Marshmallow Circus Peanuts

 

          Honesty party, I’ve never actually ate a Marshmallow Circus Peanut and have no idea what it tastes like. For good reason though, this was always the random loose candy that somehow magically ended up in your candy bag every year. As a kid I paid extremely close attention to each of the neighbors as they dropped candy in my bag. This was for many years how I evaluated the coolness of all my neighbors. The ones that gave you the full sized candy bars were always the cool ones. They were also usually the ones that had the pool that they let all the neighborhood kids swim in. The ones that gave you any of the candy on this list including pennies were the ones you stayed away from. I mean who the F gives out pennies as Halloween candy? As close of attention as I paid to what was being dropped into my bag the dang Circus Peanuts still made their way in every year and I never knew who was doing it. Because they were always loosely bouncing around in the bag by night's end they would have random stuff stuck to them like other candy residue, maybe a loose hair or even one of those gosh dang pennies! Of course your parents always tossed them out cause they looked tampered with. I guess the Marshmallow Circus Peanut mystery continues…


Sun-Maid Raisins

 

          Ok, this is technically not candy, we know, and if you also know this then you’re probably not the asshole handing out the mini boxes of Sun-Maid Raisins every year. The Sun-Maid Raisin was some health nuts attempt to get kids to eat better on Halloween. They’re probably the same people that bought the natural fruit strips for their children from the healthy section of the grocery store. You know the same fruit strips that-that same kid tried to trade in the lunchroom every day for Fruit by the Foot or Gushers but never got any takers. Please also see also: carob chips as a replacement for chocolate chips and so forth, you get the idea. The raisin has no place on this list or in your Halloween candy bag. 


          Thats the list folks! Trust me, there are several more I would like to mention but we might run out of internet if I did. I will say this, honorable mention goes to Brach's cause they’re the Dr Frankenstein’s to most of these candies on this list and even more that could have been added. I don’t see any endorsements coming from Brach's anytime soon. 

 Take it or leave it. If you hate what you see here make sure comment below so we can start an argument about Halloween candy. It will be fun. 

Jay-

Since a lot of you guys asked for the extended list of "Worst Halloween Candies", we continued the list on List App. Download it on the iTunes Store, or whatever your platform is. Look up 5andadime and join the discussion! Also quit eating Good and Plentys you animals!